Swine Flu

I rang the Swine flu help line, but it was a waste of time, the line was so poor all I got was crackling.

I think I have swine flu...I've come out in rashers

Swine flu can't touch me. I put up a red stop swine in front on my house!!

My mate said he got swine flu but I think he's just telling porkies.

What happens when someone gets the Swine Flu and Avian Flu? They see pigsflying.

This is serious business. My daughter woke up this morning with her hair in pigtails. Should we be worried?

Some call it Hammageddon

The airlines are doing a deal - $99 to Mexico. Now that's not a deal to be sneezed at.

Someone once said when a black man becomes president pigs will fly. Sure enough, 100 days later.. "swine flu"

Boom Boom!

It's always good to carry a spare

.
.
.

While we're on the subject of Aliens...

.
What does this remind you of?
.
.
.
LOL
.

Ewwwww!

.
How could somebody do that to themselves!
That's hideous!
.
.
.

Look what I caught in the back yard

.
G'Day!
I caught this little fellah in the back yard this morning, he was trying to get to the chickens!
Just another pest us Aussies have to put up with.

I let the neighbours five year old wrestle with it a bit first, before I had to put this cute little tike down.
.
.
.

Oh! I love it!

.
Where can I get me one of those stickers!
My daughter is about to get her licence and I need to warn everyone!!
.
.
.

And I love the Teddies...
.

How true is this!?

.
The bum is the only one with a positive net worth!
.
.
.

oh, So that's how they did it!

.
LOL No such thing as a blue screen back in the sixties!
The cape is a nice touch

.
.

Irony

.
.
..
ROFL

Nice Parking

.
Nice! I can't believe the effort it would have taken to park the car on the veranda.
.
.
.

Now that's bizarre!

.
ROFL! I bet they sell it too!
.
.
.
:)

Neat idea

I reckon it would be a bit expensive to install though, we'd need thousands of these in Oz
.
.
.

LOL It had to happen!

.
.
.

What's wrong with this picture?

.
.
.

The way of the future

.
If I could grow these I'd make a fortune!
Tiny dog pets would rule!
.
.
.

Auto Polo

I could make a come back...

It could happen!.....

Really!...

.
.
.

Well...
Probably not!

:)

Guess!

.
Guess which team won the local under 15's basketball comp!
.
.

You're doing it wrong!!

.
.
.
Poor horse!!

Idiot Proofed!

.
I don't know about you guys but I think this is a brilliant idea!

Its almost marketable!



.
.
.

Awesome Dunny!!

Takes me back...

:)
.
.
.

Just Sad really...

...really really sad!
.
.
.
ROFLMAO
.
.

Is it just me...

.
Or is this extremely funny!
.
.
.
Poor thing! Things must be really busy in the sex industry these days!

:-)

We have a lot of trouble with road kill in Oz

.
.
.

How the monsters see us

.
.
.

Another goofy house

.
I don't like this one as much as the other one though
.

What a cool house!

.
Seriously! I could so live there! It would come up a treat too!


If only I could get all the animals out (they seem to be in pairs!)
.
.

A replacement for the car?

I don't think so!!
.
.
.

Whats that up in the sky?

Is it a bird? A plane?

No!

Its a teddy!




***

New Stock Market Terms

***

New Stock Market Terms

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.

# # # # #

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines

one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG

one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers

one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer

one year ago, drank all the beer,

then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,

you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan

is to drink heavily & recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg.

***

In every situation...

.
...There is always a smart arse!
.
.
.

What type of plane is that?

.
Suggestions?
.
.
.

Take another look

.
.
.
Now I dare YOU to try it!!
.

The Trilogy Meter

.
.
That's about right in MHO
.
.

.
.
.

Truth in advertising

ROLF!
Not only is half the pepperoni missing it looks like a giant bite was taken out by Barney the dinosaur!
.
.
.

I think he's lying

He looks too normal, no if he was an actor or a polly then maybe
.
.

Interesting concept

But I can't see it catching on. It might be soothing and calming and everything, but the water had better be at room temp.

Naw! be way to soggy for me and my laptop wouldn't like it
.
.
.

My cat proves the Multi-verse theory!

.
.
.
or "Oh shit! I'm not supposed to move yet!!"

:-)

Geez, mice are expensive these days!

.
.
.

Ok so where's the pot of gold?

.
.

Ack! don't tell me that was an old wives tale! The amount of time we spent as kids racing around on our bikes chasing rainbows was wasted?

sheesh!
.

Believe it or not!

.
B-52 on the USS Nimitz CVN-68
.
.

True story...bet the bad guy's satellites went berserk looking at this one...! ( and it wasn't the Navy paying off a bet against AF!)

While this may look like a gag shot, it is actually a "transport of a transport" necessity. The B-52 was in Beirut, Lebanon undergoing routine fuel tank cleaning. Workmen accidentally damaged the bladder system and had to install the bladders from smaller C-130s temporarily.

The plane was flown to nearby McCollough air base where it was lifted upon a barge bound for Tyre on the Mediterranean. Once there it was off-loaded onto the carrier deck for transport to Crete where the appropriate tank bladders were installed. It was then flown back to Beirut! Military cooperation in action.

Great photo! How are they going to push that overboard during general quarters?

.

An application for a passport

Or an exciting trip through Australia's bureaucracy!

My wife, daughter and I are going overseas in September (more on that later) So we decided that although there is plenty of time (ha ha ha) , we should apply for our passports now.

And just as well.

We started to fill out the forms, entering our details over and over (why do they make us do that?) . We weren't anticipating any trouble since both the Mrs and I have had passports in the past but were well out of date. So we come to the bit where we have to fill out the marriage licence stuff (this is because my wife's Maiden name is different to her married name) and quickly realise that our church marriage certificate isn't going to cut it this time, we are going to need an official document from 'Hatches Matches and Dispatches' (department of Births, deaths and marriages) to verify it.

"Naw! This can't be right" I said, "I'll check with the post office tomorrow"

And I do. My argument is that my wife already has a passport with her married name on it, why do we have to jump through this extra hoop for? Surely the old document is good enough?

"Nup" is the answer and "because" is the explanation given in good old bureactise.
"You have to get a certificate from the department in town. Oh? You were married in NSW? Then you'll have to get one from them. When are you going overseas? September? Hmph, just as well as the department in NSW are not reknown for their speed"

She did however give me a heavily photocopied sheet giving me directions to the brisbane office and all the phone numbers and web sites for the interstate ones. I got the feeling that they gave this out often.

So after some deep web surfing I managed to get the correct form and filled it out. Apparently a non urgent request will take 5 weeks to do and $42 plus $8 postage and handling while an urgent request costs $62 (plus postage!) and takes a week!

The Mrs was tempted to go the urgent route but I'll be damned if I'll pay some government department what is essentually extortion money that prays on someones misfortune (needing the doco urgently)

So 5 weeks for the marriage certificate to show that the old passport was right all along and that my wifes name really is the same as mine. Another 4 or 5 weeks for the passport - after we have got the photo's PRECISELY right and signed, then maybe we'll be able to go on our trip.

The cost so far? Well $206 dollars for me and the Mrs, $103 for my 15yr old daughter and $50 for the marraige certificate.

$565!!

wonderful!

A licence to have kids?

.
Personally I don't have a problem with this handling technique, it's functional and requires only one hand. It has its drawbacks though, you can only use it for a short while and there's the very real danger of a massive up chuck.
.
.

But then I probably wouldn't qualify for a child raising licence if they ever brought one in!

:-)
.

Is it just me...

.
.
.....Or is this picture really really creepy!
.
.
.

He will rise again!

Pray at the Darth shrine for the return of the dark lord!
.
.
.

Moses

.
.
.

.

Raiders of the lost fridge!

.
.
.
Johnny knew his dummy was in here some place!!!
.
.
.

The pasta diet

The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Iron Men

.
.
.
LOL I wonder how long they stayed out after the photo and if the barefooted guy was able to unstick his feet!

A long way down...

I dunno whether he'd hit the pool or not...or the slide!
.
.

nice photoshop though (no shadows)
.

Oops!

.
.

You know I've only just realised that this is a set-up!! LOL


.

Just when you thought it was safe to run on the beach...

.
.

Ninja Sharks!!!!

.
.

Nasty 'orrible garbag bins

I guess the Russians arn't into this "Green" thingy yet.
.
.
.
Is that the police van or the local garbage truck? LOL
.

Yes another WTF?

.
.
.
Ok quiz masters, I give up! WTF is that??
.

.
.
Any Guesses?
.
.
.
.

Wasn't Me

.
.

Honest! It wasn't, really.